Daswhoopi (it had to be done)

[Dasyati]

I didn't learn the first time, noooooooooo I didn't. Anyway look at this (http://www.nolongervalid.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=409) if you're new and confused, otherwise just don't put your frickin' sigs in aight?
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"DASWHOOPI" 12/23/03 (PILOT)


SCENE 1 - int. nLv Hotel

(DAS is behind the front desk reading a newspaper while working on a bottle of absinthe. EDGE enters through the front door.)

EDGE: Okay, the sidewalk is clean now. I still say it would be easier if you just stopped peeing there.

DAS: Take a look at this. (holding up the paper) STA decided to ban sharking from all divisions. Man, you'd think that George W. Bush was running this league the way things are going!

EDGE: This is not the freedom I came here for. You know, in my country, everything is allowed. Kamikaze EMPs, kamikaze MIRVs, even kamikaze caltropping. If you could strap it to your ass and camp with it outside a hospital -- I mean respawn -- it was fair game.

DAS: I will cut you.

(NOMAD enters. RAGE is close behind, wearing more makeup than usual.)

RAGE: Wassup y'all! Holla!

DAS: (rubbing temples) Listen to me. You have to start acting like a Jewish man now or I'm gonna lose it.

NOMAD: Das, please, show some respect. This is the transvestite I love.

RAGE: Yeah, don't be hatin'.

DAS: I will CUT JOO!!

[Mr_Rage]

I smell a sitcom!

[Sponge]

(DON_CHICO walks in, smelling of cut grass)

DON_CHICO: Hey holmes, don't be stereotypin' Mexicans without including me.

EDGE: Hey hombre, wanna cerveza?

DON_CHICO: No mang, I have to drive my beat-up El Camino to my chica's house. Adios.

(DON_CHICO leaves hastily, taking his fresh aroma with him)

[Nomad]

(NOMAD wanders around the lobby with a lost expression before heading to the front desk to grab several random items from under DAS's newspaper)

NOMAD: Rage, it's like I already told you, I'll follow you around and make sure that no matter who you hit on or try to sell your body to, you'll come out of it alive - but I'm not going to follow you anto any gay bars, much less ones that cater to sumo wrestlers.

RAGE: Please?

NOMAD (seeing STA news headline): Oh wow. Just freaking wow, what's next, the rest of the movement and agility skills? My bunnyhop? THEY CANNOT TAKE MY BHOP AWAY FROM ME! IT WONT HAPPEN! LEAVE MY GAME ALONE!
(NOMAD proceeds to find a secluded corner to cry himself to sleep in)

(SOLO enters, puts his arm around Rage and says...)

[positiveChAoS]

SOLO: I have killed 703 soldiers, and wounded 394.

([or something like that :D ])

(chaos enters holding a beer and wearing a Broncos jersey)

CHAOS: Broncos pwned j00!!! Raiders == teh sux0r!!

(whooping and hollering, chaos slams his beer. Das gets a psychotic look on his face and begins to sing and dance around the room)

DAS (singing): I will cut you.

[Dasyati]

SCENE 2 - ext. nLv Hotel (where the fuck else)

(DAS is trying to stay in character by smoking. CHARMY joins him/her/whateverIsaidI'msupposedtobepretendingtobe.)

CHARMY: Hey. Do you realize you're standing in a puddle of urine?

DAS: (looking down) I am gonna CUT that Arab motherf......

CHARMY: Hey, don't blame the help if your hotel sucks.

DAS: I'll blame whoever I want to! I blame the D for all my problems every damn day. Hell, I'll blame you! And then I'll cut j00!

(DAS and CHARMY both take a drag as the "LAUGH" sign above the set flashes to little avail.)

DAS: You know what I blame? All this equal opportunity crap. I'm paying a Persian terrorist to clean up some hobo's piss and say that I did it, a Mexican to mow a lawn that isn't on my property, and two random people I don't even remember hiring, just so George W. Bush would get off my ass and let me run my business.

CHARMY: Uhh, I don't think Dubya was responsible for that one...

DAS: Biatch, don't test me today. My blade needs sharpening.